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Perspective on Overcoming Fear

On July 8, I headed to Atlanta for the National Speakers Conference. My teenager, Stephanie, wanted to be my companion. This would be her first NSA youth conference – a wonderful opportunity to learn new things and make new friends. It was also our first trip alone together since my paralysis 10 years ago.

We had been looking forward to it for weeks and the night before we were to leave, we were both excited about it. However, come morning, my traveling companion wasn’t travelin’ nowhere! She wouldn’t get out of bed and seemed to be dead asleep while I finished packing. Was she asleep? I didn’t know, and giving up on her in frustration, I headed to the airport with the admonition that if she wanted to go she better get her act together and get there (her dad was on standby). I left for the airport alone and heartbroken; we had been looking forward to this for such a long time – what was wrong with that girl?

I called her from the airport. She was still in her pajamas. My first reaction was to rant and rave, but I didn’t – thank goodness!

One thing I’m learning...with a teenager, it is important to talk to other moms who are going through the same thing – before you draw any conclusions! I phoned a couple of close friends. On their advice, I simply expressed to Stephanie that I would love her to come, but it was her decision. Twenty minutes prior to boarding I received a call that Stephanie wanted to come. She was dropped off at the curb and bought to the gate by an agent.

Before I could say a word, Stephanie asked quietly, “I’m not going to have to do anything I don’t want to, am I?” I tried not to look startled at the fearful statement of my tough, self-assured daughter who has done so much to help her mom overcome my paralysis. I reassured her that she could do anything or nothing at all. She could simply hang out in the hotel room or at the hotel pool; or stay with me all day if she wanted. She seemed fine with that plan; however, once her youth program started, I hardly saw her again; she was too busy making new friends and having great adventures.

Why had my usually adventurous daughter suddenly been so stubborn and disagreeable? Why had she suddenly changed her mind? Why was my daughter so thoughtless and mean to her kind sweet mother (me!)? Well, duh! She was paralyzed – completely – and her paralysis was real. It was FEAR. Fear was holding her back. Fear of the unknown. Fear of new faces, new experiences, new city, strange hotel, big convention. From my adult perspective it was no big deal, but from her tender 13-year-old perspective – we may just as well have planned a trip to Mars – without oxygen!

Stephanie wasn’t being willful. She was being normal. She was afraid of stepping out of her comfort zone. She wasn’t mean and stubborn, she was simply paralyzed. She needed understanding and support – not criticism and blame – while she worked through her fears. I am so glad I didn’t give in to my frustration, or who knows how long Stephanie would have remained in paralysis.

The trip was wonderful and already Stephanie is looking forward to next year where she will again see her new friends from around the country. She conquered her fear-based paralysis, and moved to a whole new level of adventure and accomplishment.